DYING TO BE ME
I literally was, dying to be me. This is reference to the story of Anita Moorjani’s book by the same name. A book has been pivotal on my healing and self discovery journey.
My biggest frustration in life has always been not feeling like I was able, and safe, to be me. Not feeling like 'me' was accepted. Feeling like I didnt fit, and didn’t make sense in this world. Classic square peg, round hole syndrome.
‘Why can't people SEE me’....was a common thought process I had as I struggled to find lasting relationships, got overlooked time and time again in my career, and ended up getting stuck in situation’s that just really didn’t light me up, with know energy to find a way out.
I went through life feeling sooo misunderstood, and honestly I gave up trying to make myself, make sense to other people. I knew who I was, and I had always had a strong sense of identity as a child and through my teens, but I could never figure out how to get other people to see it, and embrace it in all it’s uniqueness.
Ever since I was a child I was independant, confident, individual. So much so, that whilst a lot people look back on their childhood, or teen years with a sense of ‘I can’t believe I did that, or wore that, or said that’ I look back with jealously, admiration, and a longing to know her again, to embody her fully.
That fierce, passionate girl who was so self aware that nothing was going to stand in her way. So comfortable with herself, that other peoples opinions fell off her like water off a duck’s back.
Where did she go??
Overtime she got chipped away at...
As she grew she realised that 'the world', and society around her didn't get 'it'. Didn’t get her. The rules didn’t allow for the freedom she required, and slowly over time she became more and more trapped in a cage of other peoples values, opinions and expectations.
It is thought that after the age of 7 we are so conditioned to other peoples views and opinions of us and the how we should be in the world, that we start to loose ourselves within it. This is certainly true of my experience.
WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG
I remember a time vividly in my first few months away at university, that I made a conscious decision, or I should say my ego did, to lock myself away for 3 years so I could just get through it without having to worry about all the fitting in.
I was struggling. Being away from a city that defined me, moulded me, gave me life, surrounded by people that knew me and embraced who I was, to all of a sudden having to explain that to other people. It was exhausting.
I would spend the next 3 years just trying to fit in. Compromising who I was to make life ‘work’ the way I thought it should. By the time I finished I was out in the big bad world - the time I had promised myself I would finally embody my true self again and do what I really want. But I was so far removed by this point from my true self I couldn’t get back there.
I went on to spend the whole of my twenties grasping moments of soul searching between unfulfilling jobs, severe burn out, illness, grief, toxic relationships. It became a pattern. Start I job that was OK....work tirelessly, put all my effort in, with no real reward, no satisfaction, consistently frustrated because I knew I was worth so much more. Burn out, have a rest....start again.
Over the years I developed, anixety, IBS, panic attacks, spontaneous collapsed lung, and finally cancer.
I saw it coming, how couldn’t I. I had literally watched myself from my inner cage watching a version of myself acting out my a life I didn’t recognise. It was only a matter of time before I burst. I was creating an environment that was toxic.
HOW I FOUND HUMAN DESIGN…
As a result of always feeling misunderstood myself, I’ve always been obsessed with how people tick, how people work together and move through life. I’ve always been able to really see people, and understand how they work, probably due to my constant need to find my place within a group of people, shape shift into whatever is needed of me in that space.
I’d always identified with my astrology. I'm a classic Leo (sun), with classic Virgo tendencies (rising) and a strong emotional personality of a Libra (moon), and that has always been one layer of understanding myself.
Then Myers Briggs came into my life at a time that I was dealing with a strained relationship with my then boss. I was determined to find out why we were clashing heads, why I couldn’t find my place with them. Comparing our Myers Briggs types made it all click into place for me, and helped me understand myself that little bit more, but it wasn’t deep enough.
The big exhale came when I discovered human design, a methodology that wasn’t widely talked about when I first came across it about 4 years ago. Although I totally resonated with what I read, I didn't know where to start and didn’t have the mental capacity to take it on, so I let it fall to the bottom of my email, unexplored.
It wasn't until my big wrecking ball moment hit. The wake up call I so desperately needed to wake myself up, unlock that inner me and start living life as my true self, my cancer diagnosis. It wan't until then that I began that the really soul searching began. The, it’s now or never, soul searching. No more hiding, unpack it all, kind of soul searching. I really started unravelling all the layers of myself that I have gathered over the years, all the shields my ego had built around me as protection. All the ways in which I had compromised who I was, hiden myself.
It wasn't until I started doing that work that I brought that human design chart back out, in a bid to re-connect to who I was on a deeper level, and help me understand my purpose and how to use what I knew were amazing skills I have, for good.
That was nearly 3 years ago, and it was the moment I really started putting myself back together, and the journey continues every day. As a result, so many relationships and situations from my past and present started to make sense, and I finally had the permission I had been looking for to be myself. Each layer of HD resonated so deeply I couldn't stop delving further into the rabbit hole, until I finally started to feel more and more comfortable in my own skin again.
It was thanks to a bad reading at the beginning of my HD journey, that I started to study it myself, and I couldn’t stop wanting to understand it all, and how it related to everyone around me, (its that 5/1 profile in me ;) ).
Human design has been so pivotal in my journey of self RE-connection and i’m sure that if I had know of this system years ago I don't know if I ever would have lost myself. I don't think I ever would have need to compromise who I was.
When I look at my chart I see my younger self so vividly. Having that affirmation that she was perfect as she was, allowed me to remove everything that wasn't serving me, and all the habits I had created that we contradicting my unique design and stopping me from living life as I knew I should be.
When I did that, removed unhealthy relationship, toxic life patterns, unfulfilling jobs, and started to learn to listen to the wisdom of my body, my life started to flow. In helping deepen my connection to self, I have been set free from all that was holding me back I was free to roam and find what really worked for me and what didn't. What lit me up and brought out the best in me.
I have no doubt my life would have been very different if i'd done this work sooner....and whilst I am still very much on my self discovery journey, having Human Design as my guide (amongst others) has made this journey so much easier to navigate.
What Human Design isn’t is a strict way to live your life, or a dictation of how you should be. It is an offering of possibility. It offers up an opportunity to explore deeper levels of your yourself, that may currently be untapped, and a chance to explore other ways of moving through life that may be better suited to your unique energy.
If you are interested in booking a human design reading and having the same experience of coming home to yourself, reconnecting with who you really are, and aligning with your souls purpose then drop me a message and we can delve in. You can check out my Human Design offerings here . I would love to take more of you on this journey!
Equally if you want to discuss more
Lea x