FIRST BUMP IN THE ROAD

So this blog was supposed to be taking a turn. It was supposed to move away from cancer and be about all things wellness and mindfulness. But my cancer has had different ideas. 

I’ve not really been one for sharing all my cancer updates and the ins and outs of my life with cancer, because honestly, there hasn’t really been much to tell so far.

My life for the past year has been pretty awesome to be honest. I have lived, THRIVED, with cancer. I tolerated treatment really well, had a few minimal side effects at the beginning, but since then I haven’t even noticed I’ve been on chemo.

I’ve gone about my life, making future plans, travelling, falling in love with myself and my life again, and working on making my body the powerhouse that it is today. In all honesty I was confident I was smashing it!

My scans have all been great so far. My cancer has been stable. My bloods are always great. My oncologists are always really happy, even sometimes quite dismissive of me, because as far as they are concerned, they “aren’t worried about me”.

This time round was no different. At the end of my last appointment my oncologist realised I was due my next scan and breezily mentioned that she would book one in for me, but was sure it would be fine. Because, I was doing so well!

So, how, I ask myself, has more cancer taken up residency in my liver? How have my two liver tumors (Mick and Keith  ) grown?? How have I not noticed?? Surely you would feel that? Surely my body would be struggling with that?

No. My body so far is completely unaware that cancer is present. By that I mean my bloods, and my general health, are functioning as a normal healthy person. How can I be so healthy and yet have cancer IN MY LIVER??

Looking back, maybe there were signs that this was happening. Maybe there have been moments over the last couple of months were I have felt a bit of nausea, and put it down to something I ate, or medication side effects. Maybe that was body telling me that something was kicking off in there.

Honestly the news came like a bit of a wrecking ball. Although there is somewhere in the back of my mind that knows there is every chance this is the month my medication would stop working, I thought I would be fine. I hoped I would be fine. Hoped I would be one of those people that gets YEARS out of palbociclib.

That is the biggest sadness. Not the sadness of the cancer growing. I know cancer is a difficult bugger to slow down! It is the sadness of knowing I’ve exhausted one line of treatment already. One that is supposed to be a wonder drug. One that people have great success with. So why not me?

These are the questions I sit and ask myself. What has happened in the last few months that could have made this happen? This drug that I was responding so well to, and am still responding well to in the rest of my body, let something slip through the net. Is it something I did, or didn’t do? Or is it just a coincidence? Why is this working so well for other people and not me? Something doesn’t make sense. But it is something I will never know, and we don’t have time to sit back and figure out.

Onwards and upwards to the next line of treatment in the hope that it does the same job and allows me to keep living my life as I have been.

I have always said the most important thing for me is knowing that I am healthy, and keeping my body and organs strong enough to keep this at bay. Size, shape, quantity doesn’t scare me.

I accept my cancer as part of me. I don’t fear it. The fear I have is my body starting to give up on me, and right now that is not happening. So for that I have so much gratitude. knowing how hard she is working in this moment is giving me the motivation to not let her down! Taking my eye off the ball and sinking into any kind of negativity is not an option. I know I owe it to her. 

So, the plan may be changing, but the goal stays the same. 

Lxx