MY PARALLEL LIVES
On one hand I am all palbociclib, blood tests, researching cancer and living in the moment….but on the other, I’m doing courses, discussing business ventures and finally starting to feel like I have a really exciting future ahead of me…my two lives couldn’t be more different, and trying to find away for both to co-exist can be a bit of a head f*ck.
The space that cancer has allowed me, to explore myself and finally start living the way I’ve always wanted is amazing, and for that, my gratitude for this time in my life is something else! Sadly, I don’t know if I ever would have taken a step back from my life to reassess things had I not been bolted awake by cancer!
There is however, this little monkey in the back of mind that likes to remind me every now and again, whilst I’m in the flow, that I don’t know how long I’ll be able to enjoy this for. It is a very bitter sweet adventure of discovery at times!
I can be in the swing of planning something super exciting, or right in the middle of a course where they are talking about long term plans and how it could take years to build a business, “so take it slowly”, and then I get the niggle…. “I might not be around in a few years, is there any point in me even starting this?”. I definitely don’t have the option to take it slowly!
I’ve recently been working on something with some people I’ve never met before and I didn’t even think about telling them I had cancer when we met, mainly because its just not my first thought anymore. As the 4 days went on and people started getting to know each other and following each other on social media, I found myself saying I wasn’t on instagram, because I didn’t want them to find out like that.
It’s not because I didn’t want them to know, or that I was embarrassed or even worried about them all of a sudden treating me differently. I’m beyond caring about that at this stage. It was just that I realised that for the first time in years I was in a situation with people I didn’t know, discussing what I was doing with my life, confidently. I wasn’t shying away from telling them what I did for a living, or cringing when I talked about what I REALLY wanted to do with my life. This is something I’ve struggled with for years even with even my immediate social circle, through fear of what people would think.
I was talking confidently about my dreams and my hopes, with no doubt that I was going to achieve all of it. Without cancer in the mix, the little reality check monkey was nowhere to be seen! It was good for my soul to be able to play out this confidence and talk about my future without the side dish of looming death.
So I kept quiet about the tumors and I felt like one person again. But the reality is the tumors are still there and very much part of me. Its something I have talked openly about on my instagram and on here, and something I’ve very comfortable with, so why did I not want these people to know??
It made me think about what I’m putting out on social media and through this blog, and what I am trying to achieve by sharing everything I do.
The reason I opened up my instagram last year when I was diagnosed was impart to share my story, and yes some of my everyday life with cancer, but mainly to start sharing the knowledge that I was learning, and about the holistic side of health and wellness. That is also the reason for this blog, and will be a big part of other projects I’m working on, but I do find myself swinging between – “Should I just be talking about Cancer and raising awareness?” to “This was never supposed to just be about Cancer!”.
I’ve even found myself losing followers within the cancer community, and people I considered to be friends, after posting ‘wellness’ posts. Now, I don’t expect what i’m sharing to be for everyone…but its in those moments were I think – dammit, do I need to show more needles and talk about my hot flushes more to keep these people around!?
That’s when that old bit of me, that worries what other people think and wants to appease everyone, has a habit of throwing me off course.
The comparison rabbit hole is REAL and to be honest this is the reason I have always put off starting up on my own, and the reason I’m so inconsistent at the moment with blog posts and updates….i’m stuck between my two lives and comparing myself to people from both sides.
I am not one for down and dirty game playing to gain followers on social media, or beating algorithms – whatever that is?! I’m not about to start buying followers or downloading apps to follow thousands of random people in the hope that a few might follow me back. But it can be difficult starting to put yourself out there sharing content you think could be of use to people and watching followers crawl, and even fall!
I am a big believer in the power of the mind and it’s something I will definitely be writing more about, and I think thats why being true to your purpose is key in this life. I for one, am leaving the need to pretend to be someone else behind me, and am stepping into my true purpose, however many followers that gains me. I am working towards there being another side of this where cancer isn’t so at the forefront of life, and my two lives can become one again, one of holistic health and mindfulness with a hint of cancer in the background. Maybe I feel like by starting like this straight off the bat it might in some way help keep me focused on a positive future.
On the other hand, maybe people just don’t want to see all the nutritious food, meditation and soul searching….they just want to see me having an implant catapulted into my belly every month?!
The discovery continues….
Lxx